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drinkin' and whinin'   
05:07pm 13/02/2007
 
mood: drunk
music: NBC 4 News
so, i went to dinner last night with my roommate and a friend, whom also happens to be his sorta ex-girlfriend. we ate sushi. i tried not to eat much and did very well. the friend invited me back to her place for a birthday party for one of her roommates. i ended up doing most of the cooking for them, which was really fun for me. i showed them how to make good guac, and i did my best to make a premade pizza kit taste somewhat decent. they both were hits aomng the guests. but i had a few drinks, ended up eating pizza, and behaved like a drunken silly person. don't get me wrong, i had a very fun time, but now i'm back home wanting to drink more, eating a whole chocolate bar and wanting to purge because i ate too much and don't want to get sick later from the cheese. i don't get it. why do i have these feelings, and what they hell are they? i don't even know why i crave these things, or why i can't stop myself from doing them when i'm so assured that i'll have much greater control the next time around.

it's 1am, i have to work tomorrow cuz there will be no snow day. i'm so tired, and the alcohol does nothing but mess up my sleep so i'm even more tired the following day. it's an endless cycle. i need to stop. it's killing me.

i feel like i'm making a huge mistake. my whole life seems like one big mistake at this point. my roommate finally expressed his desire to live alone, but doesn't want to screw me over so is keeping his promise to move in with me at least for a few months. now i'm wondering if i should nix my home purchase. hunting for a roommate is hard - usually they're a bother. but i don't think i can affor to pay the mortgage on my own. wish he had warned me earlier. i could still get out of it, but i desparately want to move, and seemed to like this place, so it's probably better that i buy it. being alone makes me nervous. i'm alone right now, waiting for my boyfriend to arrive, thinking he won't because of the weather, and eating a ton, drinking a bottle of wine, and again feeling sorry for myself. why do i continue to do this? how does one break from the cycle?

i heard some acquaintances had meth while in NY last weekend, and i'm really craving some right now.... or perhaps coke. anything to get me thru this with some energy.		  
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why do i even bother...   
08:37pm 08/02/2007
 
mood: apathetic
music: conan the barbarian
i wonder sometimes. there's seemingly no reward, no positive outcome. i don't want to live alone, yet no one seems to want to live with me. perhaps i need to be by myself to fully discover who i really am. stunted, anxious, depressed. my mood swings are becoming more frequent. alcohol consumption has increased vastly within the past 6 months, tho seems to be slowing a bit now. i'd be worse off if i weren't currently distracted by a relationship, good food, and great sex. i've had trouble enjoying it before this partner; the last wasn't so bad either. headache coming due to the wine...

lack self-assuredness, confidence, motivation. i question what i'm doing every second of the day. i thought i wanted to buy a house, but each time something unexpected happens or less than ideal, i turn fatalistic. i see so many of my faults, yet lack the ability to change any of them. n.l.p., meditation, sobriety... i should be trying them all. instead, drinking sounds more appealing at the moment.

but soon i will be left to my own devices again. i can't even manage to make it thru a week without purging now, or even 48 hours without a drink. i fear what will happen when i'm by myself for so long. my boyfriend is leaving soon and it will most likely signify the end because i have a hard time believing celibacy could prevail for 3 weeks. but it was an incredibly beneficial experience for me nonetheless.

oh, i'm tired of feeling like i'm going to cry. always triggered by the wine or a therapist appointment. i should probably quit both.

i've gained 20 pounds since last summer. i want to go purge, i want to stuff my face with more honey and ginger covered naan, i want to order a pizza. my eating is uncontrollable. i used to be so good at starvation.

so much work to do before i move and i don't feel like doing any of it. i need speed.		  
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drinking and suffering   
10:04pm 30/01/2007
 
mood: sick
music: (movie) bourne identity
i get excited about the future, yet it's pointless for me to make plans based on something that has not yet happened. i don't feel connected to anyone i know anymore. it's impossible for me to fully trust anyone. paranoia of being screwed over is setting in, but then i rationalize that as a part of normal life and there's nothing i can really do about it. we just take chances, keep our eyes open, and make decisions as necessary. i'm used to devotion, obsession, dependency, and any relationship i'm in that doesn't contain those seems unreal, insincere, unfelt, and untrustworthy. yet at the same time, the other half of me is thinking this is the healthiest relationship you can ever be in.

parents, expectations, failures, support. if i ask for help now would it even do any good? i hate relying on others. does asking for help = reliance? i want to be self-sufficient, but as apart of the human race and a social creature, is it even possible to be autonomous?

where am i going? what do i want? what do i even like? self-discovery seems like an endless journey since we're constantly evolving. is it possible to catch up? why do i waste my time thinking about what state others are in.

my wireless connection keeps crapping out. this is frustrating. i don't know what state my karma is in; either i'm making up for a horrendous past life, or i'm due for some miracles soon. dying car. new home. boring job. lackluster life. admirable boyfriend. empty friendships. am i blaming my situation or taking responsibility? my initial instinct is to give up, yet i need to acknowledge it and think about the other hand. i'm getting better at it. much better.		  
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phooey   
01:00pm 10/11/2004
 
mood: nervous
wow, looks like i'm off to a great start already by updating my journal frequently. :P today i'm just whiling away the time until i receive some actual work from my boss. i've been scanning the archives of many other chats.

i have a game this weekend where i will get to see people i've known, but haven't seen, for years. big games aren't really my thing. my social anxiety runs amuck and i fumble with words. terrible, terrible. i may have to stop by the bar for some liquid confidence before we play. it helps that these are all people i know, but not by much.		  
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in the beginning   
03:11pm 14/09/2004
 
mood: bored
i'm not quite sure why i'm doing this. i suppose it came from the article i read today that led me to a bunch of journal sites, and after reading until my head ached from the glare, i thought, "what the hell," and am now creating my own LJ. that, and the mind-numbing, forehead-slapping boredom i experience every day at work.

so i'm watching the clock tick, freezing my ass off because the office doesn't have an adjustable ac unit in my white box, and just waiting until yet another doldrum 7.5 hours passes by so i can spend another hour on the metro and bus going home.

this is as good a time as any. recently separated, two pretty cool roommates, directionless job, adorable dog, two annoying cats. go back to school? too much work. exercise? too lazy. start a hobby? no motivation. pick up a bad habit? hell, halfway there. i sware i have no willpower. the more i think about not eating, the more i eat. i might even have an alcohol problem, but it's too early to tell. i want to be happier with 'me,' and on that list of things to change is my weight. also my job, but weight seems like an easier thing to tackle right now. i just don't seem to have the time outside of work.		  
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asphyxi8ing
 
 

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